Ed Guevara - Back and Better than ever

Just when the final embers laying beneath the Ed-Guevaraist cauldron seemed to have extinguished, outspoken political guru Ed Guevara has re-emerged from the passing shadows of obscurity with a new branch of philosophy and a warning for his political rivals.

Ed Guevara had a tough and testing 2010, during the course of the year he went through two messy divorces, was victim of an Ultra-Nationalist smear campaign, fell bankrupt, was arrested for urinating on a statue of John Howard, had his children kidnapped and brainwashed, and all of this was just in January. Guevara has spent the rest of the year in keen preparation summarising a detailed credo which is “full of revolutionary undertones.”

He calls his new philosophy “The anti-human manifesto.”

Guevara's new, yet to be revealed policies have already come under attack from the far right, who have been swift in their actions. Throughout the month of April, 2011, several anti-Guevaraist commercials were aired nationwide in an attempt to combat this new threat to the establishment. We've all seen the television adverts with their anti-Guevara mantras;

“ED GUEVARA SHOULD BE A DEAD GUEVARA”
“STOP THIS MAD BRUTE”

Anti-Guevara lobbyists have also been active in the printed media and several detailed and malicious statements have been published, one of them implying that Ed Guevara's eleven-month hiatus from the political arena was due to his ongoing alcoholism. In The Times it was reported;

“The eleven months that Ed Guevara claims to have taken off to draft his new philosophies was nothing more than a hedonistic and barbaric spree. Guevara spent the entire time locked in a hotel room; continuously intoxicated, day after day, on a path of self destruction.”

The day after these statements were made, Ed Guevara summoned a press conference and was quick to rebut claims that he is an alcoholic,

“Whadd'ya mean I am drink? I 'aven't drinkin' in ages!! This is outrage, I not [expletive] drunk!”

Guevara was unable to complete his rebuttal as at that time he had fallen down and was unable to be woken up by his associates. Guevara blames his political enemies for causing this spectacular incident, claiming to have had numerous lawn darts shot into his neck during the conference which rendered him unconscious.

In late 2010, Guevara released his first civic blueprint for the anti-human manifesto “Less rights for humans”, this slogan was later changed in December to “No rights for humans”, and again in February 2011 to “Death to all humans.”

Civics like these may upset the members of the public who have more of a “human rights” approach to life, but none the less, Ed Guevara is in full force, issuing a decree on April 3, 2011 stating that the term “Bloody massacre” will now be referred to as “Peaceful exchange of power”, and “Radiation poisoning” will now be referred to as “The happy sickness”.

Ed Guevara is looking forward to an event-filled 2011.

Written by Glen Trask.